101 ways to become a spinster

“Alternative things to do on Valentines day”

Once you get over the fact every second person in your workplace is receiving flowers and chocolates and your desk is a barren wasteland of paper work, with no sight of chocolates or flowers. You’ll be thankful of the money you saved by not conforming to society’s saccharin ideals of Valentines day.
Ordinarily this day would be spent by drinking copious amounts of wine and singing along through my tears to: “all by myself” and “alone again naturally”, wondering what went wrong and why at 25 I still find myself so bitterly alone. (This I call my ode to Bridget Jones)
I know, I know, I’m still young etc..

So this year as I have taken on the vocation to become a spinster, I have thought of alternatives to spending my valentines alone and pathetic.

Here are some suggestions:

• Spend it with some friends celebrating the freedom of the single life, but I find that it usually ends up being a night of commiseration at the state of your singleness.
• Lose yourself in a video game- the gorier and the better and before you know your day has been wasted playing video games.
• Make the homeless your valentine by volunteering at a soup kitchen. 
• Write a poem about your pet! There’s no love better than those who don’t know any better.
• You can always take advantage of this ridiculous ‘holiday’ by purchasing flowers from the flower markets and selling them at an exorbitant price to suckers who have to come home to expectant partners.
• Go to the nursing home and volunteer your time there, listen to their stories of love and lost and thank the heavens you’ve chosen this path in life of singledom as you can spare yourself from experiencing both.
• Buy several boxes of chocolates and see how many boxes you can eat before feeling ill.

Lastly you can hire a book on Al Capone and read morbid gory details of the Valentines Day massacre, dreaming of gangsters and thanking heavens that tomorrow is an ordinary day and congratulating yourself on learning to survive this day on your own.

“Deciding on the movie to watch alone on Valentines Day”

Going to the movies alone can be a daunting thing for most people. I say embrace it! Why do we go to see a movie on a date anyway? We can’t speak through it, we discuss the movie for five minutes after it and then we get over it. 

Here are the perks of going on your own: 

1. You can watch whatever you want! Like that new Wes Anderson film that’s about to come out or that foreign film that has no definitive ending.
2. You don’t have to share snacks. A choctop, and a huge bucket of popcorn all to yourself! Yes please!
3. There’s no one to disturb you whilst you watch the movie. Okay except for maybe the other movie goers- but hey you’re not responsible for them.
4. You can go whenever you want. No need to arrange times or make dinner reservations for before or after. 

Lastly - There is no awkward subtle moves of physical affection. ugh. There is nothing worse than finding an arm draped around you whilst you are watching George Clooney, only to discover it’s not really his! 

So I may be too early and a little eager in my decision to choose a movie, but I have two choices: 

We Built a Zoo or Ides of March? Any recommendations fellow spinsters?

“Preparing yourself for Valentines Day”

In a little under a month, people will be celebrating the hallmark-created day that highlights the single persons loneliness. 

And so I have decided to do a special series on how to best deal with the impending doom that is Valentines Day. By doing all the things that couples do, but on your own. From dining at a restaurant alone, going to the movies, eating an entire box of chocolates to buying yourself a bunch of flowers because you can. I’ll help you through this day like it’s just another ordinary day.

You will hopefully realize that through the dry-heaving-from-seeing-couples so “in love” that you will enjoy yourself, and being alone on Valentines Day for the rest of your life, will not  be so bad after all.

The Principle of the ‘nature boy’

Most of us have heard this song, mostly popularized in my generation as the song that Ewan McGregor sings in Moulin Rouge.

I first heard the song when I was 10 and was obsessed with Nat King Cole (still in love with Nat King Cole). Oh the young and their ideals of love. The penultimate line and lesson of the song was; “the greatest thing, you’ll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return” 

Now, now friends, I am not here to inform you that i have indeed fallen in love romantically! Please! As we all know, there are many forms of love we can and have experienced. Not just the romantic kind, but the love you experience from your family, friends etc.. And in return you may love those people back and there is also love for material objects, in which I am so incredibly guilty of. 

I suppose I am writing this post as a response to the media who constantly tell us to find a way to fill the void of loneliness, that we need a partner to make us happy, to love us! The song does not say the greatest thing you’ll ever learn is to love a man and to be loved by a man in return.. it just says to love and be loved! Which I hope each and every single one of us wannabe spinsters are experiencing every day with our friends, family, colleagues and pets (I truly love my dog). 

Be happy in knowledge that we have made a choice to be single… sometimes not… but that we are still loved and that we have plenty of love to go around. 

So my fellow spinsters, when you see that ad on the billboard about RSVP and matchmaking you to the man of your dreams, remember that you will probably meet a greasy, morbidly obese man that needs a way out of his mother’s basement and is looking at you for his replacement! Do not give in to the lure of internet dating! 

and just a reference here is the song..

“Becoming really excited about Kitchen appliances”

I have recently purchased a KitchenAid stand mixer from Amazon, and it has been my best friend. I love to cook, baking especially and this mixer has been amazing! 

I was a little perturbed at how closely I followed the delivery progress of my order, checking the tracking and website every few minutes, getting really excited for every single location change and looking up recipes to try out with my new mixer.. 

And then I realized it’s not just this one item that I get really excited about, it’s every kitchen product!

I’m sure this is not just a characteristic found in spinsters, the kitchen is often associated with women in general, more specifically ‘housewives’. 

But in this time and age, I’m sure it is perfectly normal for a spinster to be married to her house and thus making her a “house-wife”, and therefore making it even more acceptable to be unnaturally excited about household products, even having a happy KitchenAid day dance. 

“Be one of the guys”

This does not necessarily mean you need to be into sports or video games or manly things, and getting a sex change also is not a requirement.

When you are one of the guys and share at least one commonality and involve yourself in their lives without becoming flirty, you eventually fade into the non girl category. They think of you as one of the bros. Someone who they drink beer with, play poker with and watch those action movies that your girlfriends are never interested in. Personally I am more into the nerdy geeky scene. This is especially a great deterrent for the unwanted jock types. Those guys never want to hear how you spent an entire weekend watching the extended version of Lord of the Rings trilogy, or how you geek out over superhero movies! 

But for those nerdy geeky friends, you are just one of the guys, a complete non event, and not even a threat to the eventual girlfriends that they will have when they become millionaires from an amazing patent that they will eventually sell to google or apple and finally move out of their parents basements and leave the World of Warcraft behind… 

And you will be happy as a spinster, knitting yourself a yoda sweater, that you will show-off at the next con you attend.